Old Wives' Tale
by Ukyou Kuonji
Summary: A short, experimental piece written in the heat of a fever dream... what is the sound of one hand slapping? And is it *really* true what they say if you keep it up too long?


I hate fever dreams... wanna know why?  
  
--------------------------------  
OLD WIVES TALES  
an experimental Ranma 1/2 lime fanfiction  
by Ukyou Kuonji  
--------------------------------  
  
*chop-chop-chop*  
  
"o/~ hmm-h-hm-h-hmm... o/~"  
  
"Heya, Sis..."  
  
"Oh, Nabiki... welcome home. How did your test go today?"  
  
*chop-chop-chop*  
  
"Bah. Piece of cake, as always. Uh, say... what is that you're   
working on?"  
  
"Oh, Mr. Park told me it's white asparagus."  
  
"*White* asparagus? How's it taste?"  
  
"Here... smell it..."  
  
*snfff* "Hm... a bit stronger than the green variety, isn't it?"  
  
"Un. Mr. Park also says it's an aphrodisiac."  
  
"A what? Aw, 'Nee-chan... don't tell me you believe those old wives'   
tales about stuff like that. And from Mr. Park? You *know* he's just   
trying to unload produce."  
  
"Maybe so, but there's a scientific explanation for it -- "  
  
"Besides the fact that it looks like a...?"  
  
"*ahem* Yes, it does, doesn't it? Only not quite as thick..."  
  
"Uh..."  
  
"Anyway, I read that both kinds of asparagus stimulate the urinary   
tract, and because of that, they prolong -- "  
  
"Ah, that's a lot more information than I needed."  
  
*tee-hee* "Oh, dear... my sister, having too much information.   
I never thought I'd see the day."  
  
"Funny, ha-ha. So what's with the aphrodisiac bit, anyway... assuming   
it works? Isn't this more Shampoo's line?"  
  
"Well, yes, but every little bit helps. You know, I think all Ranma   
and Akane need is just a little push... after all they've been through   
together, you know, you'd think they'd admit to feeling *something.*"  
  
"I suppose... and if old man Park is right about this, they'll feel   
something, all right...  
  
"Hey, waitaminnit - what about us?"  
  
"Mm?"  
  
"I mean, if this stuff works, what are *we* going to do?"  
  
"Well, I was thinking about heading to Dr. Tofu's this evening after   
dinner..."  
  
"Oh, that's just great for you... so what am *I* supposed to do?"  
  
"But you've just said it's an - "  
  
" - old wives' tale. Yes, I know."  
  
"So you should be able to resist it. And if not, there's always Kuno   
or Kinnosuke..."  
  
"*bleagh*"  
  
"All right, then you can borrow my..."  
  
"You don't need to wave that in my face, 'Nee-chan. I get the hint."  
  
***  
  
*snarf*chomp*koum-koum-koum* "Mm, this is good stuff, Kasumi. Got   
some more?"  
  
"Ranma, you're eating like a pig."  
  
"Says the one holding one."  
  
"In that case, you eat *worse* than a pig, isn't that right, P-chan?"  
  
"Bu-kii."  
  
"You really think it'll work, Sis?"  
  
"I don't know, Nabiki. We'll just have to wait and see..."  
  
"Oi, Nabifi..."  
  
"Don't talk with your mouth full, Ranma."  
  
*gulp* "Whatever. So how come you're not having any? Don'tcha like   
this... uh, what is this stuff again?"  
  
"White asparagus."  
  
"Oh yeah, right. I mean come on, it's Kasumi's cooking... she could   
make sheet metal taste good."  
  
"Why, thank you, Ranma-kun..."  
  
"Look, I'm just not hungry, Saotome. Cut me some slack, okay? I'm   
entitled to leave the stuff alone, okay?"  
  
"Okay, okay... sheesh..." *mumph*chomp* "Yer loss..."  
  
"I'll take my chances."  
  
"Or not, ne?"  
  
"Shut up, sis..."  
  
***  
  
"Say, Akane..."  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"You wanna spar?"  
  
"With you? What'd be the point? Besides, I've got homework."  
  
"Aw, who cares about homework? There's other things more important   
than homework."  
  
"As if you ever teach me anything about the Art. You just dodge me,   
and never even try to land a blow."  
  
"Hey, ya never know... I might just try something this time...   
  
"...I might really... uh... try to..."  
  
"Yeah, right. I'll be studying upstairs. Something *you* ought to be   
doing, if you had half a brain."  
  
"I have *so* got half a brain... wait..."  
  
"Hmph."  
  
"Tomboy!"  
  
"This you say when I'm *not* sparring? Go play by yourself in the   
dojo, okay? See if I care when you flunk."  
  
"Alright, just see if I don't."  
  
***  
  
"Ungh... ungh... ungh..."  
  
*nok-nok* "Saotome, what's going on in there? And why's the door   
locked?"  
  
"Ah... Nabiki! Uh... just working on weight training... ungh... yeah,   
just liftin' weights... ungh..."  
  
Weights? Since when did we have weights in there? *nok-nok*   
"Uh... you need a spotter, Saotome? Sounds like you're having trouble   
in there..."  
  
"NO!! I mean... ungh... no, I'll be fine..."  
  
"All right..."   
  
***  
  
*chop-chop-chop*  
  
*sssisss*  
  
"o/~ hmm-h-hm-h-hmm... o/~"  
  
"Heya, Sis..."  
  
"Oh, Nabiki... good morning."  
  
"Well, it looks like *you* had a good night last night."  
  
"Yes... but don't tell Father... oh, how did things go with Ranma and   
Akane?"  
  
"..."  
  
"Nabiki?"  
  
"'Nee-chan... you didn't honestly expect that those things would work,   
did you?"  
  
"Well... there's always hope. So I take it Ranma isn't in Akane's   
room?"  
  
"Why on earth would he be there?"  
  
"Because Mr. Saotome was just in here looking for him. I guess he   
never went to bed last night. He was saying something about 'kicking   
the boy's scrawny hide' when he found him - unless he had been with   
Akane, of course, because they'd need to rest up from an eventful   
night."   
  
"Uh-huh. No, things weren't all that eventful last night. Akane did   
her homework and turned in, and Ranma... he said he was doing some   
weight training in the dojo."  
  
"Weight training? We don't have weights in the dojo."  
  
"That's what I thought... but since the door was locked, I couldn't   
get in and take pictures."  
  
"Oh, my... do you think he was...?"  
  
"Hey, I didn't doubt they'd work... I just didn't think it'd work the   
way you wanted them to. You know where the keys to the dojo are?"  
  
***  
  
*klik*kreee*  
  
*splash*   
  
"Gaahh!!"  
  
"Up and at 'em Saotome, and consider yourself lucky I don't have my   
camera. Kuno would just *freak* at a shot of his 'pig-tailed beauty'   
defiled..."  
  
"Ppptht! Geez, Nabiki, what the hell's wrong with you? Waking me up   
when it's still dark... and... oh, shit... where the hell are my   
clothes..."  
  
"Still dark? What're you talking about?"  
  
*flip* "Whaddya mean, what am I talking about? You blind? It's   
pitch black out! Thank the Kami you can't see me... geez, walking   
in on me when I'm not decent..."  
  
"I can see you just fine, Saotome, and believe me, it's hardly an   
appetizing sight. Weight training, my eye. Look, it's seven o'clock   
in the morning... if you don't get up soon, you're going to be late   
for school."  
  
"Seven o'clock? Shouldn't the sun be out?"  
  
"The sun *is* out, Saotome..."  
  
"Is it? Then... how come I can't see it?"  
  
"Huh? Uh-oh..."  
  
==========  
  
There's a certain body temperature, somewhere around 103, 104 degrees   
Fahrenheit I would imagine, when it feels like your eyeballs are going   
to roast out of their sockets. That's about how I felt when this idea   
came to me, and for that matter, I'm still nowhere near 100%.  
  
It got me wondering how Ran-chan would react to suddenly waking up   
blind one morning. Unfortunately, no one in Nerima ever gets as sick   
as I do (I'm pretty sure I'm the only character actually incapacitated   
by illness throughout the course of the manga), so that's out of the   
question.  
  
That's when this idea hit me.   
  
Granted, this means I'm hardly dealing with the idea of a blind   
Ran-chan in this story, but rather, how it all happens. Whether I   
keep this up depends on the reaction to this bit... and if this fever   
sticks around much longer.  
  
Of course, the story thus far isn't the experimental part... hell,   
*I*ve been here before with 'Manzuri Break.' The experiment is in   
giving the story to you, the readers, exactly the way I heard it.   
All sound, and no external description to speak of. So you're as   
blind as Ran-chan and I when you're reading this.  
  
Let me know whatcha think... and if it doesn't work for y'all, you're   
welcome to have Dr. F and Frank use it on some hapless victim. After   
all, *someone* involved with this thing really ought to be lucid...  
  
Itsu mo,  
Ucchan ^_^ 


End file.
